Tuesday, August 11, 2009

This is a depart from most of the stuff that you will find on this blog, but I have no care as 1) I don't think many people read this blog and 2) at this point I REALLY don't care.

I am deep in the middle of trying to put up a show in NYC with a group of friends for the Fringe Festival. I finished rehearsal this last Saturday at 6pm and decided to go get a pint at a pub with my friend Nick, whom I have shared many a drink in my last few years. It was good, I needed it and so did Nick, we had been working hard and it was nice to just talk about bullshit and enjoy a stiff IPA. Then my phone rang.

I won't say exactly what was said next, it is private and shall remain that way. I will only say that my wife had phoned me to say that a friend had died of an apparent suicide.

I didn't understand her at first. I assumed she was referring to a television personality that I could not understand why she would be concerned about. Then it hit me.

Bullshit.

Hell, even writing the words "apparent suicide" makes me feel torn between two feelings about the matter. One tells me to speak the truth, it is what it is. The other tells me to save judgment for the one person that can actually give it.

I still have trouble accepting what had happened and its 3 days later.

I have called, texted and emailed more people than I care to count to inform them of what had happened and I still feel like it is all some kind of fucked up dream.

The thing is, I have been through this before; again, more times than I care to count, just know its been enough. I found myself saying things that I have heard time and time again and always scoffed at.

"No on is to blame."

"You have every right to be angry."

"Its a selfish act. If anyone could see 24 hours into the future they would never do such a thing."

Every time I said those things, every time I thought them, I still found myself scoffing at them the same way I have every time I have heard them from a councilor/priest/friend. All excuses. All bullshit. Words used to comfort the ones that remain with nothing but questions. No matter what anyone says, the act has still been committed. There are still tons of people without a son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend.

I talked with a friend whom I have spent a lot of time with. Someone who, no matter how much you ask either of us, neither would ever admit to knowing a damn thing about the other. We talked and cried and laughed and sobbed like children. We voiced our anger and confusion and hurt. In the end, all we could come up with - and God help me if there is anything else to take from all of this - is that when the phone rings in the middle of the night and you have no idea why someone is calling, answering is the easiest thing you could ever do. I don't know if a call was made, but knowing that a comforting voice is out there has to be something that softens the hardest of hearts, the most broken of souls.

I don't mean to write any of this in any form of judgment. God knows I've been down dark roads before myself, and there will be many more in the future. I just can't come to any conclusion other than the ones I have and that hurts a little.

In the end, I'm still angry. I still hate the fact that I am angry.

I'm not just angry with what was done, but with what I and many others have had to do in the aftermath. The phone calls, the emails, the texts. It won't end for some time and I find myself hating the fact that I have to deal with this all right now. I know that's natural and that it is currently my way of dealing with it. It doesn't make it right. It never will. In the end, it feels like I have taken a selfish act and in turn have become selfish in my responsibility toward the outcome of the act itself. That hurts, but its honest.

Fuck.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

25 Random and Most Likely Stupid Things

Rules: 1. There are no goddamn rules!
2. If you haven't gotten this by now you never look at Facebook. Apparently these
things are all the rage. After much debate, I have decided to one because well, some
of you are doing them wrong. Random means random, therefore the one item should
not relate to the item before or after it, ever. I will now attempt to do this crazy thing.

Oh, and if you like, do the same thing and send it out to some friends, but no one is forcing you.

1. I ab-so-lutely love to gamble. If I made more money I would gamble on oh so many more things. I was very close to placing a bet on the length of the National Anthem this year for the Super Bowl, the over under was 1:57. I would have won. Some people think I am lucky because I often win when I gamble but I think luck is when preparation meets opportunity, or something like that. The only thing I won't gamble on is the outcome of a baseball game.

2. When I was in the 1st grade I flipped over the handle bars of my bike and landed on my face. Before you say "well that explains a lot", there are no lasting scars. Almost my whole face was covered in scabs, forehead to chin, but not my eyes or mouth. First grade pictures were a week later. I got to hold the plaque, front and center. Thanks Swanny!

3. When I was in grad school I met some of the coolest people and became really good friends with them, we really were like a little family. I fear that I will never get to spend time with them like I did whilst in Montgomery.

4. Late at night when I am trying to go to sleep and can't I will pray. Often I try to do a rosary because that would make my Grandma Koenig proud, and if I get through the rosary - which is rare - I know its gonna be a long night. If I don't pray, I think of all the houses I have ever lived in and how I would remodel/renovate them because generally I liked them all.

5. People say it a lot, but I'm pretty sure my wife deserves some sort of award for putting up with me.

6. I hate reality TV. It might be because I have watched the oldest reality show on television - Major League Baseball. The only "reality" shows I watch involve Gordon Ramsey and the BBC, because once you get that guy on FOX, they just manage to fuck it up.

7. My Grandpa Lange change his name from Marlen to Boge. I think Boge/Bogener means boy in German which is funny. He's probably pissed because I just mentioned his real name to people outside the family. My conformation name is Marlen. Nathan Thomas Marlen Lange. Oh, and Tom is my dad's name so I'm kind of like a family tree guy.

8. What the hell is the ShamWow made out of? That thing seems like it actually creates liquid out of nothing. You spill a soda, sop it up with the ShamWow and when you wring it out, there's more soda that the amount you spilled! I would like to set up an experiment where a bunch of people stand around a full swimming pool holding a bunch of ShamWows and at the same time throw the ShamWows into the pool. My guess is there would be a great explosion and the entire area would turn into a desert. Oh, and damn that guy that sells them on TV, he makes me not want a ShamWow and want one at the same time. He should be working for the government.

9. I make friends very easily, or so I've been told. I guess I generally just like people, for the most part, and want to know more about them. However, for all the friends I've made, my family are some of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I think that's why I love the holidays so much because it means I can go back home and hang out with my closest friends. If you have never met my parents you should know that they are really just like a couple of older siblings that happen to be in charge of everything. They're kick ass people.

10. Ten is my favorite number. I don't really know why but I have always liked it more than any other number. In baseball it was my number and my nickname was Dime, I liked that. I suppose it speaks to the fact that I can be kind of a perfectionist and its a nice round number. Some of you might not think this was random but I didn't think of it until after I stared at the screen for a good minute, so fuck off.

11. When I got married there were more than a few people that came up to me to express their disappointment that I would no longer be a "Wedding Crasher". It wasn't until then that I realized how much of one I was. For shit sake one summer I crashed so many weddings I started decorating the inside of my car with pieces of decoration from each wedding I had been to, no invites. I have caught 8 garters in all the weddings I have been to, some people say it was a sign, I think I'm just really good.

12. In high school I would drive to Casey's almost every morning and buy a giant pack of NERDS to snack on throughout the day. I also had an elaborate straw system set up so I could drink chocolate milk from the quart I would place at the bottom of my locker every once in a while. Listen I'm just a hungry dude.

13. When I was little I wanted things that would have made me a total nerd. I wanted braces but was blessed with extremely straight teeth. I wanted glasses but was blessed with better than 20/20 vision. Oh, and I was always hoping that I would break my leg or arm because then I could wear a cast. None of these things ever happened. I have since started to wish I was poor and homeless.

14. This might seem arrogant, but me and my friends in high school were shopping at Goodwill, wearing Aviators and being Jackasses before any of you other people that it was remotely cool. I'm not saying we deserve anything for it. You all think Thomas Edison invented the light bulb but he just perfected it. Humphry Davy INVENTED the light bulb.

15. I'm pretty sure I have skin cancer. Or at least the beginnings of it. I was a lifeguard for 4 years and would only use sun block on my ears. Right now I can think of 3 spots on my body that are most definitely dangerously close to skin cancer. Look, I had a ridiculously awesome tan and I would love to get back to that but I don't have the time and I now realize the dangers.

16. I have what I like to call "Bad Good Luck". When random bad things happen to me, I come out looking pretty good. Some examples: I lost my checkbook in Colorado while at the Colorado v. Nebraska football game, we slaughtered the Fuffaloes and somehow the only nice Colorado fan found my checkbook and mailed it back to me, my cell phone fell out of the car at a rest stop when me and my friend Kevin were on a road trip to Minnesota and the janitor of the rest stop found it and called my wife and mailed it back to me, when I was driving back from Alabama with a car packed full of my possessions and absolutely no access to my spare tire I ran over a nail in one tire and the thing didn't go flat for 3 days a week later the other back tire went flat due to a faulty valve.

17. My dogs are Pugs and when they sleep they snore worse than your uncle Lenny. The snores sound like: machine guns, motor boats, choking, weezing, old doors opening, asthma, fat people farts and whiny babies to name a few. I think my dogs prepared me to be able to sleep with almost any background noise. I love falling asleep to the sound of them snoring.

18. My little brother Tucker is a pretty cool dude. He's doing a lot of the things that I wish I would have done with my life but never did and I think about how proud of him I am for that on a daily basis. My brother Ian is one of the best fathers I have ever seen and I think about how proud of him I am for that on a daily basis. My parents are hippies.

19. When I win the lottery, after I pay off all of my bills and set a portfolio that will make me and my family comfortable forever, I will be "investing" in a large portion of my friends futures. If you are on this list, there is a good chance you will be one of those people.

20. I really want to be able to play the guitar better than I do. I don't play well. Its hard to get motivated because I use my dad's old guitar and the neck is cracked at the base so the damn thing is never in tune, but I still try. If I had a band and it needed a name, I would suggest Grandpa's Lapdance. We would play the shit out of Freebird.

21. I never thought I would live past the age of 18. After I reached that age and passed it, it was 21, then 24, then 27. Now its 33 and I can honestly say this one is the one I fear the most. Needless to say this adds to my fear of 2012 for in that year I will turn 33.

22. The only thing I ever wanted to be when I was growing up was a baseball player. I would keep my own stats of how I did and read books and do drills to improve outside of practice. I wasn't delusional either, I just wanted to be paid - any amount - to play the game I love. When I realized the wasn't going to happen (and it was far too late) it was a sad day. Now, I want more than anything in the world to be a good actor, not famous or crazy rich, just a guy who, when actors discuss the trade they think of me. They don't even have to mention me, just think about it and then pass. I pray all the time it doesn't end the way the baseball thing did.

23. I make the assumption that most people don't really care for me. I suppose this has to do with the knowledge (for I've been told) that I come across as a dick sometimes. Its the big brother in me I guess. Its a good thing I don't care.

24. I have secrets that I will never tell anyone. Ever. Not even my wife. Not even on my death bed. They mostly involve theories on sandwich making and things having to do with the government.

25. Potato Salad. Now that's random.

Friday, January 16, 2009

20 Random Songs

So I've seen all these lists on Facebook and whatnot about answering questions with random songs from your itunes. While interesting, it speaks of a need for comment which many people often forget; I have chose to remedy this situation. What follows is 20 random songs from my itunes and how I feel about the song/album/band. My only rule is if a band comes up more than once in the list, I skip to the next song. Life is short and I don't have time to wax on and on about the benefits of listening to more Black Keys/Kings of Leon/Ryan Adams - though there are many. Oh, and no instrumentals by vocal bands or live stuff, there has to be parameters bitches. So with out any further ado, here is the list:

1. Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
Someone told me recently that I was a moron for not having enough Who on my itunes and while I listen to this song I am beginning to realize how right they were. One often forgets how much they really enjoy a band over the years and I guess The Who is one band that I wrote off in a sense, I don't pretend to know why. I suppose it has something to do with some article I read somewhere that said they were inflated or less than but in the long run good music is just good fucking music.

2. Talking Columbia - Woody Guthrie
You know, I had a CD that was mad for me last year by my friend Matt and he put on the end of it Bob Dylan's "Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie" (if you haven't you should), and right then and there I figured I should listen to this young lad Woody I had heard so much about. Now I will be the first to admit that I don't care too much for country music but I think that has more to do with modern country that the old stuff because Woody makes me laugh and think in a fashion I don't often do, much like John Prine - who you should also listen to. I like the simplicity of the music.

3. Nothing Left To Say But Goodbye - Audioslave
I was really hoping this would be Cochise, I can't deny it. I fucking love Chris Cornell's voice, it is everything Rock n Roll is all about - gritty, loud, soft, hard and dirty. Oh, but not necessarily in that order. I am rather sad that Audioslave is no more, if not for the songs for the fact that I will no longer be supplied with awesome songs for karaoke. If you haven't heard Cornell's acoustic version of Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean" you should, its awesome.

4. Eclipse - Pink Floyd
It doesn't seem right not listening to this song within the context of the album. Who doesn't love Pink Floyd? Wait I know the answer to that - Communists, Republicans and the Devil. My dad used to wake me up with the heartbeat at the end of this song on Saturday mornings. He'd crank up his stereo so the whole damned house was shaking. Dick.

5. Heart Of Stone - The Rolling Stones
This one falls into that extra bluesy stuff the Stones do. I love the Stones and I really like this song even though I'm sure most people have never heard it. I heard that Mick thinks that his voice got its bluesy tone from the fact that he fell as a child and bit off the tip of his tongue. Weird.

6. Where Fugees At - Wyclef Jean
I don't know if I have ever heard this song before, no wait its just been a really long time. I have to be honest I want that fucking question answered. I loved the Fugees and now where are we at? Clef is doing this, Praz is probably smoked up in some Jamaican burrow and Lauren is in a padded room yelling at white people. I miss the Fugees, they were on the right track with the writing they did, I don't care who chastises me for it. Not that anyone reads this. Man I kind of like this song, I should listen to more Clef. Wait, did I just put that down. Shit.

7. Letter To Hermione - David Bowie
True story, I lost all my music a few years ago due to a fried hard drive and didn't realize I hadn't gotten the Bowie back until I saw a Flight of the Conchords episode. I like Bowie on certain days and this is one of them, the guy can get a little weird but this song is rather nice. I would like to know if he wrote this on acid and had a vision into the future and this was written due to his crush on a certain teen actress. No? Okay.

8. Step Inside My Ride '94 - G. Love and Special Sauce
My good friend Greg turned me on to these guys and I don't think I will be able to live another summer without heavy rotation from G. Love. This is the absolute perfect music for a lazy summer porch party - of which we had plenty. I dare anyone to listen to some G. Love and not catch yourself bobbing your head with the music after a few short minutes, its near impossible.

9. Nervous Shakedown - AC/DC
These motherfuckers are undeniable. Un. De. Niable. If you hate AC/DC you hate life cause this shit could wake the dead, and I'm sure it has from time to time. You have no idea how hard it is to do what these boys do until you try to karaoke an AC/DC song, trust. Brian Johnson has the vocal chords of the devil and he knows how to use them. For those who think all the songs sound the same and its nothing but repeats, you need to listen to the beginning lyrics to "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" and take them to fucking heart.

10. The Devil Is Singing Our Song - James Gang
So about a year ago my buddy Nick says to me, "have you heard of the James Gang" to which I replied with a string of answers pertaining to the Jesse James Gang, and then the band - to which he was actually referring. "Yeah I have, why?" He then proceeded to coerce me into giving them a complete re listen. These dudes are vastly underrated and owe a lot of current recognition to Joe Walsh. Anyway, give them another shot if you haven't yet, its worth it.

11. Your Southern Can Is Mine - The White Stripes
I want this to be known right now: I knew about the White Stripes before you knew what was up and what was down. I saw them on Conan a LONG time ago and didn't get the name wrote down and then ran into a CD years later and recognized the cover of Meg's bass drum and was instantly gratified. Jack White knows modern blues like most of us know how to walk. Now if he can only learn how to keep his voice in good condition.

12. Rock N' Me - Steve Miller Band
I think I listened to these boys more than any other human being in 1993. I found the CD in my dad's collection, gave it a spin and fell instantly in love with the sound. Something about it that links to Dire Straights and Tom Petty, simple good American Rock n Roll. That and the opening lyrics are like my life right now, hell a lot of the lyrics are like my life right now, this is weird.

13. By The Light Of The Silvery Moon - Ray Charles
Okay truth be told, I got the Ray Charles entire collection on the cheap and I have never heard this song before. That doesn't mean I don't like it. You can trace a whole shit ton of modern music back to Ray, if not through the music through the drug use. If you listen to him close enough one starts to understand how some of his stuff was rather raucous at the time, I mean he flat out says he wants to spoon in this song. Man times have CHANGED.

14. Hair Pie: Bake 2 - Captain Beefheart
I know I said no instrumentals, but this is a special one. Not really the song as much as the band. I first heard about this group because the Black Keys have covered a few of their songs and regard them rather highly so I looked into them. If you have any questions about what its like well, Captain Beefheart was really good friends with Frank Zappa so it can get a little weird. When they come down off the high they do some cool shit though.

15. Rumors - Josh Ritter
My friend Matt that made the CD I mentioned earlier had a Josh Ritter shirt he would wear to rehearsal from time to time, so I asked him about the dude. He told me to give it a listen and here we are, I have all of his stuff, I think. I just don't think that modern radio plays enough music like this. I guess it would be called soft rock/country maybe. Its a little like Jack Johnson meets Clem Snide a little. I don't fucking know, I just like the dude. Give it a whirl. Good background party music.

16. It Beats For You - My Morning Jacket
If you don't know who My Morning Jacket is, shame on you! Its hard to put these guys into any kind of box so I won't even try. I read an article in RS where these guys were interviewed and it was one of those articles you read and walk away from knowing that music is still in good hands. Once you get away from all the corporate bullshit that is out there. Who can argue with Jim James (lead singer) when he includes "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in his list of favorite all time songs. Every CD they have released has passed my driving test and that is hard to do.

17. Dinu Lipatti's Bones - The Mountain Goats
Here is another one of those bands I could put on and just let repeat for days. My friend had this playing one night while we were playing poker and I immediately asked who they were. Such a nice chill level of songwriting and singing. The Mountain Goats might be a little hard to find for some, but they have a ton of shit out there so look them up.

18. Barbara Ann - Beach Boys
I love this song. Plain and simple. Forget that my little brother had a lip sync talent show band that covered this song, so it makes me laugh, its just too catchy not to love. Its one of those songs that comes on an everyone in the room know all the words and can't help but sing along. Now isn't it our job to find that kind of music today? I guarantee you that its not fucking Britney Spears, that is for sure.

19. Strange Brew - Cream
You can't deny Clapton. I don't have to say anything else than that.

20. Here Comes My Girl - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
When I was in sixth grade I would walk home from school with my friends my brother Ian would be close ahead or behind with his friends. We would unlock the back door to our house, read the note mom had left of chores we needed to do around the house, pop in Tom Petty on dad's CD changer and just let that fucker ride. Never was there ever a more simple and enjoyable time in my life. I can assure you if you put on the Full Moon Fever CD anytime, anywhere, me and Ian could sing every song front to back with a broom in hand.

Well there it is, my list. I think I might do this every month or so just to keep my own sanity. It was good to hear a lot of these songs, especially that last one. Go out and listen to something good today and if you haven't for a while walk into a random music store (preferable not a corporate one like Best Buy) and ask the first person that looks like they know their shit what you should be listening to right now. I have done it numerous times at Homer's in Lincoln, NE and have never been let down by those guys, they know their shit trust them.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Things I hated in 2008

The economy.

The government.

People that go to grad school only to bitch about how much they hate it.

People that destroy art, and not just any kind but especially the kind that was made from a man's one dream for his hometown. Yep, those kinds of people pissed me off.

People that are too afraid to call the above people on their bullshit.

News affiliates that hold on to a story far too long, only to release it far too late.

Best Buy employees that don't know their head from their ass when it comes to saving files.

The way it smells after it rains in Alabama.

No wait, just the way it smells in Alabama.

Big Ten Tires.

Old Barbers that yell at you for letting your dog piss on their lawn.

Tim Tebow.

8:15. What a stupid time of day. Either way.

Fucking idiots. There I said it.

The entire state of Delaware. Why Delaware you ask? Why not Delaware.

Hockey moms.

Soccer moms.

Your mom.

Okay just kidding, I think your mom is fine.

Girls that wear pink fishnet shirts that make them look like sausages. You madam, are too big.

The BCS. Probably gonna carry over to 2009.

Gas prices. Retarded.

Pink hair.

People who fire other people because they are afraid of them.

Miniature statuettes.

Stinky people on the subway.

The day your Metro card runs out.

Insecurity.

Arbor Station handy men. That title is really an oxymoron.

Leaving friends.

Cats. Always have, always will.

The MLB playoffs.

If there's anything I forgot, let me know.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My Christmas Story

I have no doubt that everyone and their uncle has seen the movie "A Christmas Story", especially considering that its been on a 24 hour loop every Christmas day for the last 10 years or so. Bearing that in mind I still love the damn movie. When Christmas rolls around every year, I can't wait to catch at least one running of the movie, and often watch it 3 or 4 times just out of pure boredom. Every time I watch it however, I am reminded of the Christmas that I received my first BB gun - which just so happened to be a Red Rider.

If I remember the build up to that Christmas correctly, it involved a lot of begging and pleading on my part in an attempt to cajole my parents into the benefits of "Santa" getting me a BB gun that Christmas. You see it was simply unfair for me to NOT have a BB gun as many of my friends already had received guns of their own and were running around our neighborhood killing every Sparrow, Robin and Black Bird they could find, as well as the occasional rabbit and squirrel. If they could have a BB gun, why the hell shouldn't I have one as well? Frankly it pissed me right off, and I voiced that opinion frequently.

In the days leading up to Christmas I began to leave notes for "Santa" randomly lying around the house, the only thing on the list was always a BB gun. Simply put, I would not be satisfied with all the presents in the world if one of them was not a BB gun. I shit you not when I say the entire holiday season that year went down almost as if my parents had meant to reenact the movie "A Christmas Story". Every time I asked for the gun, my mother told me that age old rebuttal, "You'll shoot your eye out." I was appalled. I had seen the movie of course, I had seen that fat little puke shoot his eye out time and time again; but being just a 3rd grader myself, I knew the major problem with what had happened in the movie you see. Any idiot worth his salt never shot at a paper target hung in front of a piece of sheet metal! That stupid kid deserved to have the BB ricochet and hit him in the eye, he just got lucky he was wearing glasses. It still pisses me off to this day, that little fucker ruined the ownership of a BB gun for so many kids after him just by not using common sense.

Anyway...

Christmas day came and like I said, it seemed like the whole thing was being played right out of the movie script. My brother Ian and I came downstairs in the morning to the most spectacular pile of presents we had ever seen, there were gifts everywhere! As we searched about the tree trying to see what we all had, separating the presents with our name on them, it slowly became quite clear that I had not been given a BB gun.

I was heartbroken.

The rest of the gift opening went off as expected, lots of frothing at the mouth and tearing of paper, screams of delight and smiles all around. As the gifts dwindled to almost nothing I didn't even notice my dad get up from his chair to "get another cup of coffee" much less see him return with not one but two long rectangular shaped presents and slide them behind the tree. My brothers and I were busy playing with all the new stuff we got as well as checking out each others presents when my dad mentioned something about the other two presents still under the tree. I'm not sure but I think a little pee came out as we both turned to see what lay in wait for us in that wrapping paper.

At this point it should be mentioned that my dad did stop us and say something or other about how we had to be more responsible with this present than we had with anything else we had ever received and if we ever blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure about Ian, but I know that I was pretty much frothing at the mouth by the time we were given the okay to open the damn things and I'm sure when we did it looked a little like rabid dogs eating babies covered in hot chocolate. I have to admit I was not as fond of the gun when I first saw it; you see many of my friends had pellet guns that involved several pumps to load and were far more powerful than a simple BB gun. In the long run, beggars can't be choosers and this beggar wanted A gun, it didn't matter what kind as long as it could kill.

No sooner did we have the guns open than we were loading them and taking them out to shoot. Just a couple of shots were all we were allowed however, because we had to load up our stuff and head out to my grandparents farm for the Koenig family Christmas. Of course, I took my gun as did Ian, thinking there would be plenty of things to have target practice on at the farm. Oh, and we would also be able to hold the guns over our cousins heads as many of them lived in bigger towns and couldn't have BB guns.

When we got out the farm the scene unfolded pretty much as expected, upon learning we had Red Rider BB guns everyone wanted to shoot them and we being the owners of said guns were Gods among children, weilding our newfound power with an iron fist. No one under Ian's age was allowed to shoot his gun, likewise with my age and gun. That left only 3 people to shoot besides me and Ian and a good number more to watch and complain. We were forced to wait to begin the assault on all things living until after dinner and the other gift opening of sweatpants and the like from the grandparents and the excitement was making everyone crazy.

Soon we began walking around the farmhouse shooting at birds and cans and well, whatever the hell we wanted to with the exception of Robins, Cardinals and Wrens; Grandma liked those birds to much to let them die. We shot at anything and everything allowing those in the age range to occasionally shoot as well. The longer we shot, the more the younger cousins bitched that they should be allowed to shoot as well, and none of them bitched more than Davey. Now while present day cousin Dave is a pretty cool guy and one I have shared a beer with on several occasions, Davey - circa 1986 - was wound tighter than a crackhead on payday. That Davey was 6 or 7 and had more energy than 5 kids his age, he also had more nerve.

You see, as I toted my gun around the farm I made sure to keep the tip pointed down or up at all times and after a while the gun started to get heavy. The tip eventually got too low and caught the ground putting a bit of dirt into the barrel and like any good exploding gun fearing rifleman. I had heard the stories (and seen the cartoons to back it up) and I was not about to shoot a gun with dirt in the barrel just to have it blow my face off. At any rate I sat down to clean the dirt out of the barrel completely forgetting whether or not I had cocked the damn thing or if I had placed the safety on it.

That is when Davey made his move.

Quick as he could Davey rushed to the gun and just as I was starting to blow the dirt away he pulled the trigger.

What unfolded next could only be described as the most amazing scene in Koenig family Christmas history. Immediatly realizing what had happened - Davey shooting my gun of course, not so much me getting shot in the mouth - I stood up and punched Davey. I hit him so hard he spun round, fell on his ass and simultaniously pissed his pants and puked into his hand. His brothers Bobby and Danny then set to beating him to within an inch of his life. As this happened, Ian was running into the house to tell everyone what had happened and after I had landed the haymaker I was right on his heels.

When I came into the house there was utter pandimonium. I was immediatly grabbed by my dad as he tilted my head back to look into my mouth. Before he could start however he gasped upon feeling a tiny rock stuck in my hair, you see he thought the BB had gone straight through. I explained that I had spit it out and was allright, I just had a lot of blood in my mouth and wanted to rinse it out. About that time Davey came in bloody, crying and covered in puke and piss, which also had to be explained away.

There isn't a Christmas that goes by that I don't think about how fucking lucky I was that day. A split second sooner or later on that trigger and Davey could have literally shot my eye out or worse.

Yep, that's my fucking luck.